The Nightmare
by NitzMalfoy
Summary: Let me. I feel so dirty, I am so dirty. I deserve the pain. Let me, please," I sobbed into his shoulder. Warning : Implied rape, nothing graphic. Janto fic. R


**Disclaimer:** I promise I don't own Torchwood.

**Warnings: **Implied rape, a bit dark

**A/N:** This is just something that came to my mind and I couldn't resist writing. Written in first person but I don't know who's PoV, could be any of Jack or Ianto or for that matter any other person but written with Janto in mind. However, I can't bear doing this to any of them so it's vague.

Even though I said I can't do this to them, I have a sort of non-con slash fic in progress regarding Ianto. That's going to be one-shot as well but it'll be graphic and even darker and angsty. If I get the strength to finish it, it should be up in a week or so.

For those following 'Season 2 Take 2' or 'Paradise Lost', I've got the next chapters in progress, I'll finish them ASAP. Exams and fanfiction really don't mix.

Now, on with the story.

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**The Nightmare**

I felt his hand reach up to mine. Undemanding, just a light touch But still, my muscles twitched as a reflex. He moved it away. We were sitting on a couch, could have been any place, his or mine. I didn't care, didn't look around, too scared to see something I might not want to. He was less than a feet away from me but seemed to be light years away. I wished he hadn't taken away his hand. He must have thought I was scared, which I still was, but I needed his touch. I don't think I could manage a kiss or even a hug but I needed to know he was here. So I lifted my hand and placed it a little towards him, just an inch away from earlier, but I hoped he'd understand. With my eyes still at the floor, I waited. A few moments later, I felt the touch again, his warm hand touching mine.

"You okay with it?" he asked. The first thing he, or for that matter any of us, spoke since we'd got here. I nodded slightly.

It had been only a few minutes I guess, fifteen at the maximum, but it seemed like ages since he'd found me in the alley, still unable to move due to the effects of the drug that man had injected in me, my shirt, crumpled, lying next to me, my trousers and boxers still at my ankles. He first started to pick me up but then stopped, maybe realising my discomfort and fixed up my clothes. He always understood me, it scared me how he knew better than me myself. He winced at whatever he must have seen as he pulled up my boxers. I didn't dare to ask. First we went to the hub, it was the closest from that place. He called Owen. After the medical tests, he brought me here.

I shivered as I remembered what had happened before he'd come. He put a blanket around me, careful not to touch me.

"I'll get you some water," he whispered as he started to get up. Weakly, I grasped his hand to stop him. He paused and squeezed my hand gently. "Hey baby, the kitchen's just in front there, I'll be back in less than a minute." I looked around as he went. It was my apartment.

As I took the glass of water from him he again made sure that we didn't get any extra contact than needed. That's when I realised it. Of course he didn't want to touch me, I was so dirty, God! I felt so filthy!

I threw the glass of water and rushed to the bathroom. Turning the shower on, I stripped off instantly and rubbed hard, trying to erase every touch of that monster. I picked up a foot scruuber and moved it all over my body. It caused bruises. Blood oozed out. It felt good. At least there was pain. I hadn't even felt any pain when that man had thrusted into me, he'd given me that horrid drug. But now I felt pain.

I knew he was standing outside, debating whether or not to come in. I hoped he won't. But he did. And his eyes went wide with shock as he saw me.

He stepped into the shower, not caring when the water wetted his clothes. He took the scrubber from me, threw it away. Then he pulled me close, held me, muttering incoherently into my ear.

"Let me. I feel so dirty, I _am _so dirty. I deserve the pain. Let me, please," I sobbed into his shoulder.

"Shut up, you're not dirty. It's not you fault, what happened. You can't always control life. Just think of the good times. Times we spent together, when we went out on our first date, I was so nervous about the whole thing that I drunk ten glasses of water! How the waiter stared at us!" He smiled tightly as he remimded me, I too couldn't help but smile. How I could I forget that day, despite the imperfections, it was such a perfect first date. "And when we all painted Owen's nails pink while he was sleeping, and how we enjoyed when all five of us went on a picnic, and..." he went on. I held on to him tightly, just like I held on to the memories. No, I'd not let that man destroy my life. I had so much to live for, the biggest reason right next to me. I couldn't let everything go away. But could I live with those images in my mind?

"Retcon me?" I said.

"Ret - no! Hey I know this is difficult but retcon's not the solution. I know you're strong, and I promise I'll be there with you, ok?"

"No, I can't -"

He silenced me with a peck of his lips on mine. And somehow, I didn't need retcon anymore. All I needed was him.

"Will everything be alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, it will be. I promise," he answered as he tightened his grip around me, the water flowed down our bodies but it didn't matter. All I knew was that I was there with him. And I knew that it'd be alright, if he said so himself.

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**A/N:** Please review and let me know what you think of this. I haven't written anything like this before, so I'd really appreciate feedback. Feel free to point out any errors.


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